Living my nightmare

The first time I hot tubbed went just fine.  No big deal, everyone back there is in a bathing suit (the access to the pool area is from the locker room) too.  We all have different body types, whatever.  I left feeling like it was ok and I will be just fine doing this.  Two days later I had to hot tub again.  I checked in at the front, walked back to the locker room and changed just as I had the last time.  I walked from my locker to the pool door just holding my towel with out a care in the world...until the door did not unlock with my barcode.  I tried it again and again and again.  Then I remembered that quote about insanity by Einstein.  I took a deep breath and decided I was insane. Yup, I tried the door again...twice.  It would not open.  

At this point, I was taking calming breaths (thank goodness for all that mindfulness practice at school!) because I knew what must be done.  I thought to myself, ok I will wrap my towel around myself and go out into the main room.  When I was on a tour, the lady took me in through a different door.  I will exit, walk the wall and walk to that door.  I can do this. So, I took a shaky breath and did it...only to read on the door "not an entrance."  I about died.  Trying not to cry I thought ok I will walk to the front desk.  So, I hugged the wall all the way back to the locker room but instead of going in, I turned left and walked aaaalllll the way up to the front desk to ask for help.  Mindful breathing.

When I got to the front and told the young lady my dilemma, she nonchalantly said, "oh yeah, it's not working. We are waiting for them to come in to fix it. I will have to go let you in."   By this point, I was hearing her through a haze and got a glimmer of hope.  So she walked around the desk and was about to pass me to head back to the locker room, when a guy stops her and points out a malfunctioning day locker.  This is when she decided that I could wait (standing there in my towel) and she changed direction, went back to get the key, unlocked the locker for him, returned the key and then came back to me.  I about died.  I was standing there in my haze which turned into almost an out of body experience.  My heart rate was sky high, my breathing shallow and I was just trying not to cry at that point.  We walked back and as we are walking down the hallway into the locker room she asked me how my day was going.  I said it was fine but then I told her, "honestly I am just trying to calm down from being out there in my towel."  She said, "oh I don't think anyone was paying attention to you" and I nodded and said yes but my brain doesn't always listen to reason.  She didn't say anything.  She let me in to the pool area and it took me about a solid ten minutes of calming breathing (again, thank you mindfulness practice at school) in the hot tub to bring down my heart rate and relax.   

Looking back on this experience, I do not think she was trying to be mean in any way.  I just think she is young and is not able to empathize with a middle-aged woman standing in a towel in the middle of a gym.  Yes, I did go through an angry period once I calmed down.  I mean, what about a person standing in a towel says, sure I can stand here and wait?!?  However when my sister asked me if I was going to go back in the hot tub ever again, I got some perspective.  Besides... March 24th.  I can do this.